Did you even love me?

Before you go HAM and think oh, what’s this guy even saying? That is, we wouldn’t be here if I didn’t cheat on you, I know. That’s not the point of this article (I needed to put this disclaimer out there for my own conscience)

I stalk my ex girlfriend’s Twitter a lot, sometimes when i’m a bit intoxicated my guard is let down and I want to know what she’s up to. I feel like her tweets and retweets might tell a story of how she’s feeling currently, they always did, and I kind of want to know what she thinks about the whole situation and how her thoughts have evolved with time. Before we ended things, on the night when she found out I cheated, I could sense anger in her voice when she called me. Funny enough, I was otw to the girl I cheated with, I think it was on a Tuesday, it feels like we ended things on a Tuesday. I’m not sure i remember, but she sounded angry. Then, she sounded confused, and shocked (via the texts after). I’ll never forget her calling me at 3 AM (i’m not sure what was happening, maybe she was talking to her friends?), but it seems she found out that i told the girl I cheated on with that i was seeing two girls. In my head, when I was telling her that, the girl she thinks I was seeing was indeed who I was referring to. But, I was not actually ‘seeing’ her. I lied to the girl I cheated with, but internally if there was going to be another girl i was seeing, it was $girlMyGfThoughtItWasSeeing. And she wasn’t entirely wrong, I was seeing her behind my girlfriend’s back, and in certain moments when I would hang with $girlMyGfThoughtItWasSeeing, I would think about how much of a rut I was in, and why I had to make things more complicated than they were. I think my ex girlfriend would have been okay with me saying the other girl was back home, and I was going to be spending some time with her, or maybe she wouldn’t and she’d voice it out, but then what’s there to lose? I think I just liked both of them. I liked my ex girlfriend way more though. Way more. At the time.

But anyway she broke up with me, and rightfully so. Clearly when I was with her I knew the things i was doing, and not in a single situation did I go ‘my girlfriend would hate this’. That second to spare to consider her hardly came to mind when I was in situations where my body would crave a new experience, a new person, just for a teeny teeny short while. A short while to hear a different perspective, to talk about different things, to explore new sexual stuff with. Not one time did I think my gf would hate this. Not once. & this is something I have done to all the people I have been with. Except my first girlfriend. I did this with $girlSheThoughtIWasSeeing for years, and $girlSheThoughtIWasSeeing found out this year that I did all that to her. She at least tried to stay for a bit, but I could sense that she hated me lowkey, or more resentment than anything. My quest for cheap thrill in expense of indulging in risky behaviour detrimental to myself and my partner, is so frightening, and so scary. When I sit back and think about the actions, the effort, the planning, I am such a strategist and as my ex girlfriend would call me, “calculating”. Ironically, I never really thought long term. There wasn’t a single time when I looked at my ex and felt like I didn’t like her. I loved seeing her so much. Or did I like the fact that she loved me? Did she satisfy my lack of self worth so much that I derived it from her craving me and telling me how much she loved and missed me. I refuse to believe that was the case, how could I be that cruel?

I’ve debated myself into refuting my initial argument i was going to make about reading your tweets and how much I never liked you and how chemistry doesn’t mean anything. If I was a normal human, you and I would have lived a very happy life. Her retweets are valid, she has to feel that way. I never opened up about my struggles because i was comfortable with them, not because I wanted help. Was I doing all those good things to mask the terrible things i was doing? Did every kiss and every hug mean nothing to me? Did every date and every plan just happen cos we could afford it? Did we have all those texts because i was fond of you or was I just craving companionship?

I think this is what it is. As a human being she was amazing, and it was nice having someone like that care about you. It’s more self assuring that you have someone you can count on, rather than feeling like that’s your world and happiness. Bro did those things I said mean anything? Oh my god that’s so scary. I can never accept that I did not love her. She was my bestfriend, i will not let constant self deprecation thoughts ruin what we had in my mind. You were someone I cared about, and thought about, and looked forward to seeing, and genuinely had a lot of affinity for. My unhealthy wants just meant more to me, and that’s where I say, rational mind met addictive mind, and rational mind lost the battle ultimately.

I’ll never forgive me for letting addiction ruin this for me. I lost my soulmate(s) in the most gruesome and self consequential way.