I don’t think this is guilt

I don’t think this is guilt

I am seated in jch right facing the exact spot you confronted me about me texting other girls. That was such an awkward time, and i knew exactly what i had done but didn’t know who was behind letting u know about it. I can tell you tried so hard to believe me, you tried so hard to give me the benefit of the doubt, and I always lived in fear thinking you were going to eventually find out. Everytime you’d message me and take a long break in between i’d feel so anxious, what if someone’s telling you about the stuff i’ve been doing? I was chasing the next high all the time and the uncertainty of whether I was going to get caught kept me going. I think this goes way beyond guilt. I really just miss my bestfriend. I miss planning stuff with her. I miss holding her hand. Telling her she’s the most beautiful girl in the world. Telling her i wanted to marry her. But the foundation had so many lies. So many lies and they have absolutely nothing to do with what i felt for her. She meant a lot to me, even as a friend, a companion, someone I could start my day and end my day with. I think about her all the time, and it’s not regret based, it can’t be regret based, i’ve felt like this from the beginning. Whatever feelings i had when we first went to TeaBaa, when we kissed during the ride, when we cuddled, when i met your family, when we held hands, i still feel the same way. Everyone i chased a high with fueled my addictive tendencies, and Lord knows i tried so hard to not go down this road. The constant mind battle whenever the voices call me, when i find myself reflexively sending inappropriate texts to people, when i find myself lying for no reason to people about whether i have a girlfriend or not, just to get some attention. I felt nothing for these people and i was so weak and couldn’t fight the voices, or maybe I didn’t care about the consequences. Even now I’m struggling, and its worse bcs the only one i tried to get better for is no longer around, and now i have to fight for myself, and inherently means i need to love myself. I don’t fucking love myself. I’ve never loved myself. Every word i said to you about how i felt about you was so real. I’ll always think about you, always. I have decided to feel everything. Every single feeling that i’ve been running away from, being felt at once. I hope i can make it honestly. It’s so hard, so so so hard. And why am i even getting better? For who? I just want to die, fuck. Just fucking die so i don’t have to feel anymore. I’m so tired of feeling. I think it’s shame. Shame + disappointment in myself that i couldn’t do what i set out to do and let this stupid lack of self control ruin it. Maybe i needed to finally feel something, i mean, how the fuck did I expect this to end? Fucking idiot.

This bled into today, i’m literally seated on the floor in the hall; and i chanced on a video in my camera roll. She’s singing a song by Nicki Minaj (Marilyn Monroe) on one of our numerous Friday meetups. I was going to delete it but lowkey made me happy, i missed her voice, and her smile, and her quirky taste. I want to redo life with all I know now because that was truly the love of my life. I don’t think I was hers, she’s way too great to have me as the love of her life, the universe would want more for her.